Laundryfish

by Anny Luckless

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Summer Apocalypse Songbook '99

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released September 1, 1999

written, performed and produced by Andrew Luckless

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Andrew Luckless Belfast, Maine

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Track Name: Sorrow's Army
I want to be obliterated, I want to be obliterated
But I haven’t got the time to make a list of who I hated
And most of all those people should be slowly lacerated

My name is Rafsanjani Abdallah, my name is Rafsanjani Abdallah
And I’ll poke you in the eyeball with a pencil for a dollar
And I’ll trade my rabbit’s foot for your bandana if you wanna

I kill when I will, and when I kill, I kill for you
I feel the sorrow still, and I give my life for you
Dear life is your ransom girl, and I long to weep and burn
I cut myself with the edge of a tuna fish can
Track Name: Crimean Kitchen Cleanser
Hide your eyes cause I’m on fire
And you don’t want to choke on the smoke
When the shit comes down in the kitchen
Like a nuclear fission you’ll see a flash
And then I’ll kick your ass like bikini wax

You left footprints in my kitchen
And I’m a walking time bomb ticking
You pansy man it’s time to clean up the place
I’ll mop the floor with your fucking face

I’ll hit you with aerosol, you’d better be careful
I jump like a leopard uh-huh
Now the monkeys are running cause they feel it coming
Adjust like a shake from an earthquake
I’ll fry every fish in your lake

You left footprints in my kitchen
And I’m just a walking time bomb ticking
So put on your apron, daffodil
It’s time to teach you the meaning of pain

You mowed the lawn, you think I’m gone
But I’ll grow in your garden like a dandelion
You think I’m dumb, you Peter Pan?
I’ll eat all your soap
Then I’ll fill up your chocolate bunny with poison

Poison, poison, poison…

Close your eyes, it’s time to die
I’ll burn your grass
And then I’ll fill up your glass with ammonia
Your socks and shoes are gone, you leprechaun
I’ll bury your feet in concrete in the ocean because

You left footprints in my kitchen
Track Name: Song for a Fortune Teller
This one's called “Just Like a Hekatonkheires”

Fortuneteller, I’m in love with you.
Cause you always know exactly what to do
I took you to the party, drugged you up, got you a 40
But you didn’t like my answers to your penetrating questions
And it seems to me that you’re not in the mood

Fortuneteller, you got what I need
And I wish I had a hundred palms to read
But you didn’t like my lifeline and you told me I’m an earth sign
Oh it’s such delicious torture when you tell me my misfortune
But the fear’s enough to make my hair turn blue

Fortuneteller, you’re the only one for me
And I wish I knew just exactly what you see
I looked into your crystal, and the future wasn’t pretty
I would give my hands and feet to get you out of New York City
But I fear there’s nothing here for you to do
Track Name: Humphrey Bogart Broke a Leg
Humphrey Bogart broke a leg
His gray fedora hit the pavement
And he split his cigarette in two
In two
Waitress, there’s been some mistake
This ham on rye could pass for eggs
Pajamas in the hospital are blue
They’re blue

I know what holiday
Comes after Easter, it’s in May
And it’s called Humpty Dumpty Day
It’s true, it’s true

Humphrey Bogart broke a leg
But he told his friends he was okay
Then he wrestled Ronald Reagan to the floor
To the floor
Every time a doorbell rings
It’s just a lady selling wigs
Or men collecting metal for the war
For the war
Humphrey Bogart broke a leg
And now he has to have an operation
And all the radios
Are only playing opera

I know what holiday
Comes in the summer, it’s today
And it’s called Jack Be Nimble Day
I’m telling you it’s true

Humphrey Bogart broke a leg
And now he’ll never be the same
Those circus peanuts
Really aren’t good for you
Track Name: Griffins Across the Delaware
William, be careful
The beach is awfully red
And the olive branch
I gave you
Is sitting
In the sand, yeah, yeah

People are numbers
And we are in distress
Yes, this house is blessed
By Satan
He’ll feed you
To army ants, yeah, yeah

I saw the griffins
All crossing the Delaware
And if you go there
Be careful
They’ll kill you
Where you stand, yeah, yeah
Track Name: How the Moon Men Make Gravy
Wouldn’t you like to know how I got into your bathroom?
Wouldn’t you like to know how I got into your bathroom?
The walls are all raining, like blistering limes
And I did all my shaving while you were out whistling

Wouldn’t you like to know why your mattress is backwards?
Wouldn’t you like to know why your mattress is backwards?
I’ll give you a liquorish stick in a while
If you give me that fish on a Portuguese roll so

Wouldn’t you like to know how the moon men make gravy?
Wouldn’t you like to know how the moon men make gravy?
They bake all the beetles fifteen at a time
In aluminum cigarette tins
Track Name: Cloven Hooves & Adidas Tennis Shoes
There’s a Shriner in my house, there’s a Shriner in my house
There’s a Shriner in my house, there’s a Shriner in my house
And he’s dining with my folks and he’s passing me the salt
And I just can’t get him out
There’s a Shriner in my house

And he’s bringing all his friends, and he’s bringing all his friends
To a meeting at my house, there’s a Shriner in my house
And they’re chopping cloven hooves and Adidas tennis shoes
And they tied them to the door
There’s a Shriner in my house

And their wives are coming down, and their wives are coming down
In their polyester gowns, to the meeting at my house
And they’re bringing bamboo flutes, and a talking parrot too
And there’s someone in my room
And there’s someone in my room

And there’s someone in my room, and there’s someone in my room
And they left the door ajar, there’s a man tied to a chair
With a bag over his head, and they also tied my cat
With a gag around his mouth
There’s a Shriner in my house
Track Name: When Halstead Had the Horrors
My little cousin Halstead was a very nervous lad
He was unusually excitable and easily upset
He would surely always catch a cold more easily than others
He invariably sat in drafts or fell asleep uncovered
When he took ill he had attacks of fever in the night
And when Halstead had the horrors it was quite an awful sight

I had many a grapple with him on the darkened stairs
He imagined fighting for his life with Indians and bears
In his disordered fancies he would run about the house
Screaming murder, knocking over lanterns, foaming at the mouth
One night he assaulted Grandmother in her dressing gown
Until Addison and Theodora had to hold him down

It would all begin with fits of sneezing shortly after noon
Then Grandmother would him tea and send him to his room
By evening he would be huddled, hot and feverish
All wrapped up deep in comforters, surrounded by hot bricks
In the morning light, a tepid bath with Epsom salts awaited
Followed by a rubdown with crash-towels, which he hated

When Halstead had the horrors and the panic in his eyes
He would wake up all the farmhouse with his terrifying cries
And on these nights Grandmother gave me the unenvied chore
Of standing in the hallway, holding on to barricade his door
In spite of all his pleading, I would hold him till he tired
To rid him of his sickness, Halstead must freely perspire

The Old Squire said this was the worst he’d ever seen
Somebody must go at once to send for Doctor Green
I hurried through the village on a wild midnight ride
But by the time we got back to the house the horrors had subsided

Poor Halstead, it was hard to make him realize
That there is no surer way of catching a bad cold
Than to sit or lie where the wind blows in
And cools one side of the body more than the other.
Track Name: Laundryfish
The sidewalk’s hot and my liquor spills
Are you a policeman? Are you a pill?
The butter drips and the jelly sticks
Have you ever seen a Laundryfish?

I did one time
And it was smiling

I’m sitting in my underwear
The yellowjackets are in the air
Witches burn and devils freeze
Did you hear something in the trees?

This heat is sick
I wish I was a Laundryfish
Swimming in the soap
With no place to go
I need a bicycle
I need a Popsicle
I’m lying on the floor
With the frozen peas
While the witches burn
And the devils freeze
Track Name: Otters Everywhere
Listen Billy Crystal give me back my sister
Here’s another bag of leaves
I don’t got a problem keep your million dollars
That’ll be alright with me
And all you dirty bastards hiding in my mattress
Waiting to bite off my toes
Scratching like an otter you don’t gotta bother
Just leave me alone

Who’s on the phone?
It’s the Ayatollah
It’s an important call
Leave me alone

Nobody knows where I go hiding in your silo
Sleeping in your cavities
With maraschino cherries in my capillaries
And medication in my cream
Listen Billy Crystal give me back my sister
Here’s another bag of bones
And Mister Richard gave me a hundred Beanie Babies
And you can have them for your own

Who’s on the phone?
It’s the Ayatollah
He said to stop it now
And leave me alone

Now I’ve got measles and chicken diseases
And bug bites in places unknown
I don’t got cable and I am unable
To even get a dial tone
Listen all you monsters hiding in the dumpsters
Reading all my secret notes
Why can’t you go someplace else with your chicken melts
And your root beer floats?

Cause I know
The Ayatollah
He’s an important man
Just wait till he gets home
Track Name: Vesturland Motor Lodge
Icelanders like their mineral water
Icelanders like their mineral water

I sent for the cleaning girl again
So don’t end this bender yet my friend
That girl is built just like a ham
The kind with the bone in the middle of it

I’ve got a thirst just like a dog
And you sir are a god
I bent my nose on the towel rod
Just waiting for the bottom
Of this bottle to be gone and

Icelanders like their mineral water
Icelanders like their mineral water

That girl’s got posts in her horrible heart
Well I’ve got biscuits and I’ve got bark
The vending machine is on fire
So let’s go to a barbecue restaurant

The hook’s upon my rod
And we’re getting off the floor now Bob
I know something that’ll make you feel alive again
You should go downstairs and get a bottle of it yeah

Icelanders like their mineral water
Icelanders like their mineral water
Icelanders like their mineral water
Icelanders like their mineral water

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